Today I'm getting in the car and driving down to Saratoga, the town where I grew up. I'm a local girl, never moving far from home, although San Francisco definitely felt like another world. I'm taking this drive because tonight is my 20 year High School reunion.
I didn't sleep very well last night and I can feel the anxiousness in my body as I'm typing. Who will be there, what will they be like. Will I see some of my old friends?
I can hardly believe it's been 20 years. It's a strange thing because it's been sparking thoughts of who I am, who I was, where I've come over the years. When I was younger, the age I am now seemed so old. But, I'm not old, older maybe, but not old.
Matt had no desire to come along and as much as I would like him to be there with me, I guess I can understand him not wanting to come. But, walking through that door, alone, is the part that I think feels the most challenging. And the funny part is that I'm one of those people that loves to do things by myself. I go to the movies alone, museums, the beach, even restaurants. It's the introverted part of me that I've come to appreciate and love over the years, but for some reason, I'm feeling a little challenged with this one.
Along with the reunion, my birthday is on Monday. I think it's compounding how I'm feeling. I usually get a bit introspective at this time of year to look at who I've been and what I've accomplished or not accomplished over the last year. I've been doing that for as long as I can remember and in the past, I would take some time for myself to go to the beach or somewhere that I love, to sit and think about things. Over the past few years, that's been more difficult to do with the kids but I've found a way here and there.
When I was telling one of my girlfriends that I had a hotel room for the reunion and that I wasn't sure if I would actually make it out of the room to go, she had an enlightening point of view. She reminded me that it was my birthday weekend and that it would be completely fine if I didn't leave the room. To just go and have a weekend to myself and sleep all day/night if I wanted to. Just relax! This, was an epiphany and I'm completely embracing that thought. I do however think that I'll muster the courage to walk downstairs and see who shows up and enjoy myself.
The thought of being able to revisit a time of life that was so difficult and challenging because I was growing and pushing and wanting things to be different than they were excites me. Not only do I get to mentally reflect about who I was, but feel it and experience it as I walk around and mingle with my old classmates.
It's funny how those old insecurities pop up and try to take over. Try to knock down all of the self assurance thats been built up over the years. What to wear, am I skinny enough, is my hair o.k. I think I'll just turn the volume of the radio up, listen to my ipod, lose myself in the music and drown out those voices. Tell them to just be quiet and let me enjoy myself because I like me, my husband and family and friends like me and I'm pretty sure that's all that matters.
wow Laura...I'm very moved. i don't think i woud have the confidence to walk in alone. i think you will, i think you should. i hope you do. it's funny because no matter how much life experience pads us over the years, we're still just that little child inside. i think that's why the same issues always seem to resurface and we spend a lifetime trying to overcome them. we have very similar personalities i think. i cherish my alone time, sometimes i wonder if that is a bad thing. but i am a dreamer by nature, and without that time...well i don't have time to dream, to reflect. i like the quiet, especially with music-ha! i can't wait to hear more of where this takes you...
ReplyDeleteLaura, I too felt the same way about my reunion, although I didn't have the guts to get on a plane to go home too it. I now regret it-alittle bit-I guess because my life is so great now and I wanted to make sure everyone back there knew my life was so great. AHH-high school years, everyone says they would pay money to go back-I wouldn't pay a penny! I can't wait to hear how great it was for you, because I know it is going to be. You make places shine the minute you step in.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Laura, very well said. It seems all of a sudden so many people from my high school class are on facebook. Connecting with them is so weird when I think that we graduated from highschool 16 years ago. I think of all the drama that went along with that time in our lives and looking back how silly it all seems and how much people change. Sure, you're always going to have the alpha girl who goes on to be alpha mom, but for the most part, people change. I hear you though on how putting yourself back in that situation can bring back all the insecurities and for a moment can make you forget how great you are.
ReplyDeleteI should add..my friends and I are finding that us girls age much better than most of the men. There is nothing better than seeing an old crush look awful :).
As for the alone time..that is a tough one. If I had a night alone in a hotel room, I'm not even sure that Brad Pitt waiting for me downstairs could woo me away from that sacred time alone.
i think reunions are the kind of thing that no one likes to go to, but everyone has a good time at once they get there. anyone? anyone? am i the only one?
ReplyDeletesorry for the belated happy happy! i'm sure you had a great day.
take care...
hmm Jeramy, i skipped my 10, we'll have to see how i feel at my 20! the funny thing is, i get on myspace and facebook and wonder who are all these people in my graduating class?! did i even go to the same school?! lol
ReplyDeletei could probably count on two hands the people i would love to see again or am curious about where their life took them...
yea highschool is a weird thing! i spent too many of it's hours cuddling up to my sweetheart and future husband lol.
Laura, hope the reunion went well...can't wait to hear the stories! if anything, we know you made it back alive and in one piece lol