FORTY

Last week Wednesday, the 22nd, I turned 40. Strange. People have been asking me how I feel about turning 40 and my response has been truthful. "You must be speaking of someone else".

I think it has to stem from being a child and knowing people who were 40. They were old. I mean, OLD. People who are 40 are parents, and people who don't have any fun anymore. They're tired and cranky and well, OLD!

If I think about it, me, being 40, I definitely don't feel old. I am a parent but I think I still have fun?! Maybe not as often as I used to, but shoot, I have fun. As for tired and cranky? Well, I think I probably fall into that category more than I would like to. That seems to come along with the "being a parent" part of the deal. (smirk)

Honestly, I had the panic attack about turning 40 when I was 38. Something happened then. It was like I was strapped into some insane roller coaster and I had been clicking my way up to the top of a deadly drop. When I turned 38 it felt like I was right at the precipice, looking over the edge at the long, endless drop below. Tightness in my chest and rapid breathing were normal for at least 6 months. I didn't even want to celebrate my birthday. Acknowledging it was just out of the question.

Now, that I've "dropped" over that edge, the scary part seems over and I feel like I've settled in to the ride. I'm on that nice long curve where I'm almost compelled to raise my hands and smile.

This year I even had a desire to celebrate my birthday. I wanted a party. Nothing huge and over the top. Just something nice and festive and fun for me and for the people who are important in my life. It was hard to keep the guest list down. I could have invited so many more people, but then it would have been a crazy event! I wasn't in the mood for crazy. Just fun and simple. That might become my new motto in life. Fun and simple!

For the party, I knew that I wanted to have photographs of myself around, so I started digging through boxes and albums and envelopes and folders. I rounded up close to 200 printed photographs of myself from birth to around 32. I strung yarn from our chandelier to different points of our great room and hung the photographs by clothespins along the yarn. I did the same thing across our living room and dining room. It was pretty cool to create that web of my life. Living with my past around me for a week before the party was interesting for sure. Not only did it stir loads of nostalgic feelings but I was able to see my life in this linear way, visually, that you really never get to do.

My mom has been living with us since late August which added a whole other level to my experience. I would see her looking at the photographs as I was hanging them. Remembering her life as well. It was cool to be able to ask her how I old I was in certain photographs and to hear stories of what was happening at the time. We've had an up and down relationship over the years. Maybe more down than up, but for those couple of weeks leading up to the party and the party itself, it was a magical experience.

It was interesting to realize that having printed photographs ended so many years ago! We have a few prints from recent years but the majority live on hard drives. Matt solved the problem of completing the story of my life in pictures by pulling together an incredible slideshow of digital images over the last 9 years that was played on our television through Apple TV during the party. So cool.

Matt, who truly helped in more ways that I could ever express, did so much. He and I strung all of our white Christmas lights, and we have a lot, across the backyard to create a magical environment. He pulled 9 hours of music together, everything that he knew I liked. He's so incredible like that! He set up the photo backdrop which was in the corner of our dining room. Basically our camera with a flash was on a tripod, set up on a timer so people could just go and take their photo at anytime they wanted. The photo's are AWESOME by the way and I can't thank everyone enough for participating!!! We also set up a projector in the backyard, thanks Brian!, and showed obscure movies with no sound once the sun went down. He did all of this while being sick! He pushed through not feeling well to do all of that because it was important for me. He loves me that much. I don't even know how to express my love and gratitude because it flows so deep. Matt, I LOVE you. Thank you for EVERYTHING!!

We served gluten free food that was yummy and healthy and had a vodka bar with lemonade, fresh lime juice and fresh watermelon fresca. There were makings for martinis and cosmos as well. Rebecca, who we call Auntie mom, brought her "painting table" which was such a gift! She cut out a variety of shapes from clay and brought them fired complete with a hole at the top for hanging and placed them in baskets on a table in the backyard. There were paints and brushes so the children, and there were a TON at the party, could just go to the table at any point during the party, and paint. It was so great. There were kids painting the entire time. Even in the dark! Friends brought me sunflowers, orchids and my favorite, dahlias. Those flowers along with some sage and lavender from the garden were the splash of color the decor needed.

I have to say that the whole event allowed me to process my life in a new way. I made all of the decorations myself and really just had a vision of wanting everyone to have an experience being here that left them feeling happy and inspired. I think it was pretty successful. I know I had a great time. I felt loved and special and being surrounded by my friends and family as I crossed the threshold into 40 was incredible.

I know that I've only officially been 40 for a week, but, I actually think I like being 40. Did I just say that?! I think I do though. There's something about being comfortable in my own skin, knowing myself and settling in to who I am that feels good. I know myself more than I ever have. I'm more relaxed with myself and with what I like and what I don't like. There isn't a need to make excuses for who I am and I've learned how to better communicate who I am to others. Funny that it took this long to figure myself out. I'm sure I still have a long way to go but for now, it feels pretty good.

THANK YOU to everyone who came to celebrate me, it was the most incredible gift from each and every one of you. Thank you to everyone who sent me a note or a message or post on FB. I feel incredibly blessed to have such wonderful friends I feel completely and utterly spoiled. THANK YOU

Here are some of my favorite backdrop shots. If you want to see more, go HERE.

Late Night Thoughts

I've been wondering a lot lately how people keep it together. How do they walk around in clean clothes, with their hair and teeth brushed every day! Let alone somehow remember to drive their kids back and forth to school or soccer practice or gymnastics or all of the above. Then there is homework. Homework to be done every night, in a quiet and calm environment. Does that happen? Ever?

Oh, and dinner and dishes and laundry. Getting haircuts so that we look presentable and keeping our houses clean for those unexpected play dates that spontaneously occur on Thursday at 2:35.

I hope this doesn't come across as ranting. It's not. Definitely not. Just curious thoughts that float through my overcrowded brain. Float along with the long list of blog posts that I have yet to write. The ones that are waiting to be written because they have a lot to say. Like the ones from our visit to the Boyers and the Van Dykes over the summer. One about the wedding that I shot with Matt. One about the album that I designed for Paul and Liz. Then there's the post that's dying to be written. The one all about turning 40. That's the one that I'm really not so sure is about me, but it must be, because there was a party here at the house. A party for me, turning 40.

Tonight however isn't the night that any of those words are going to take the form of sentences. They're just going to continue to dance in my head along with the thoughts of the dishes that are in the sink and the laundry that is in the dryer.

Perhaps tomorrow, yes, hopefully tomorrow, I'll sit and write and share some of what's been happening!

Preschool - I Can't Believe It

The house is quiet and if I walk through the rooms I won't find him laying under his Me somewhere being cozy. He isn't coming in to ask me for something to eat, he isn't playing cars. The house is quiet.

Really?? Did I really just drop Miles off at preschool?!

I did. Matt and I did. Lunchbox in hand with a snack packed inside. (Thanks Lisa. He's finally able to use it!)

Leaving was hard. I think harder for me than for him. I know that he was sad and a little scared but he went off and played. Thankfully his best friend Sorcha was their by his side. And thankfully, her mom left when I did.

I think that was the hardest thing. Leaving while other children's mommies were still there. Hanging out in the classroom. Other mommies that were in the "Mommy and Me" class with us last year. I just kept thinking as I was standing outside the building that he was going to look around and see all of them and wonder why they were there but I wasn't. That he would be sad and begin to cry because he was "left".

But, my sister reminded me that he's a big boy and he's o.k. That if he asks about why those mommies were there and why I wasn't, I could tell him it's because he's such a big boy and was having a fun day. That eventually those mommies are going to leave too. That I'm proud of him and happy that he was able to play with his friends at school. Before I left I even peeked around back through the window. He was playing with Sorcha and doing just fine.

Truth be told, I'm the one that's sad. I'm the one that's crying while I'm writing this thinking of my little boy being so big that he can be at school without me. O.K. deep breath. Breath. Just breath and remember that for goodness sakes, this is only for 2 1/2 hours!! We can make it!

Miles, I love you SOOOO much. You're such a big boy and I'm so proud of you.

Grand Rapids and the Reoch's

Working in the midst of summer was both refreshing and challenging. There was so much going on and so much to do that I found it hard at times to focus on any one thing. The house seemed to be a little messier than usual, I took longer to respond to emails, and my desire to spend time with my family took the lead over everything else there was to do. The weather was interesting as well. Not the typically hot summer days I'm used to, but I have to admit, I think it was pretty perfect. Not so hot that the butter melts into a pool on the kitchen counter, but warm enough to want to spend time outside enjoying the sunshine. This may go down as my favorite summer yet. Yes, I think it will.

I wanted to look back just a bit to tell a little more about the summer adventure in Michigan. The part where the boys and I traveled to their cousins houses for some "one-on-one" time with each family. Matt is the second of five siblings. All are married and soon, all will have at least one child.

The first stop was the Reoch's. This is Matt's older brother Scott, his wife Susan and their four, yes four children. Elizabeth who is a year older than Mason, Natalie who underwent three heart surgeries before the age of 3, Edward who is just about the toughest and softest boy I've ever met and Katie who is just over one and a spitfire.

They live in a beautiful home in Grand Rapids, MI not too far from the airport. They have a huge front yard with two lawns and a long flat driveway, perfect for riding bikes, scooters and playing ball. Their backyard is even bigger with a large sloping lawn which bottoms into a play area for the kids to swing and climb. A perfect place to be for a few days.

Susan and I have always had a strong connection. Maybe it's because we're two girls who came from similar backgrounds that married into this incredible family. Maybe it's our passion for nutrition and eating healthy. Maybe it's just that we seem to "get" each other. Whatever the reason, I loved spending time with her and the family and having three days to just hang out, was awesome.

I tried to do one special thing with each family. Our highlight here was our visit to the Frederik Meijer Gardens and Sculpture Park. Not only was it an incredible place to walk around with sculptures throughout the grounds but the visiting artist was Chuhuli the glass blower. I missed the exhibit when it was here in SF so I was excited to be able to see it in Michigan. His glasswork is amazing and the pieces were incredible. The large sculptures were breathtaking. It was incredibly hot that day and the kids were melting as we walked around the grounds so we ended the trip at the children's area where they had some water features that the kids could play in. We let them get completely soaked in their clothes. I don't think my boys knew what to do. Mommy had NEVER let them get wet without their bathing suits!

Overall our stay with the Reoch's was great. The boys saw their Uncle Scott first hand try to shoot an animal. (don't get me started, I'm just going to write that and move on.) The cousins had a blast playing with each other, I loved talking with Susan about life and it was sad when it was time to go. We packed up the car, waved goodbye and headed to the next family on the adventure, the Boyer's. Matt's youngest sister's family.

One more additional note I want to add is that Susan has been knee deep in exploring her children's health and nutrition over the years as have I. It's been a true gift to be able to talk with her about it and to share experiences with gluten and the lack of it in our diets as well as NAET, the new approach we're both taking to try to heal our children and ourselves. I promise to write more about that at another time!

Susan, Scott and family, thank you so much for your hospitality. For feeding us and playing with us and sharing your home with us. We love you guys and will never forget our time with you! Here are some photo's from our time with you.