Afraid of the Dark

The power went out the other night.

Miles wasn't feeling well and had woken up around 1:30 am. I went into the boys room and nuzzled myself in with Miles to get him back to sleep. Not long after I had finally dozed back into dreamland, Mason got out of bed. It was the craziest thing but the instant he stood up the power went out.

He was immediately scared and cried out. Right as his foot hit the floor, the noise machine became silent and the night light cut out. Thankfully, I was right there and was able to make him feel safe right away. I led him in the pitch black to Matt. I knew that Miles was going to be crying soon and I wouldn't be able to sleep with both boys on the floor.

After getting everyone situated and checking downstairs to make sure that my mom was alright, I scooped Miles up and brought him into Mason's bed and attempted to fall asleep. As I lay there, trying to clear my mind I was acutely aware of the silence and of the dark.

Why are we so afraid of the dark? I guess not everyone is but there is something about not being able to see my own hand in front of my face that stirs uneasiness inside of me. I couldn't quite feel settled. I found crazy thoughts running through my brain. I thought of why the power went out and of course all of the paranoid reasons that maybe it did. I think I've seen too many horror movies in my day.

I thought about blind people who are in the dark all the time. Are they afraid? The ones who became blind later in life? I thought about how we just adapt as humans to our environment. How we're adapting right now to what's happening in our lives. I realized that part of what I feel every day is the result of blindness. Blindness in respect to where the money is going to come from to allow us to continue living here, in the Bay Area. Blindness to what is happening with my mother and what the future holds for her and for us. Blindness to the picture I want to hold in front of me to walk towards.

Our church has developed this great breakdown of ways of being that the sermons have been about each week. They are all based on how to go Toward. How we can move Toward a life with Christ, a life with God. The last weeks were about "Going". What it looks like to have a "go" moment. It can be even a little step like the one I had taking to our friend Gloria about coming to church with us one Sunday. Or it can be big like the people that go across the globe to spread the Word. But, I started to think about how I got here, what brought me toward this place im our lives right now. How I held an image of Matt and I sitting in a beautiful backyard, high fiving (yes, I hate to admit that I may be half of a high fiving couple but I think I am) each other and watching the boys run around. I held this image in my scope of vision not knowing how or when or where it was going to show up but, it did. Here we sit, in a home with a beautiful back yard and the vision is a reality.

Now, I feel like I'm in the dark. Like I was the other night. My visions of the future are cloudy. Blurry I guess as another photographer friend Carrie said about a week ago. I can't quite make out what is ahead. Where we will be, what we will be doing. I think the biggest reason I'm struggling with this inevitable change is that I was happy. I was happy at how life was and where we were heading. Now it feels like someone picked us up and shook everything up and now we're trying to put the pieces back together to form a new puzzle.

There is a feeling of collective unease everywhere I go. It almost helps because I know that we are not alone in this, but the journey feels incredibly individual. The answer that is right for one family isn't what is right for another, so we're all out there making adjustments and plans and who knows where we'll all end up. I do however have hope and when I sit and think about it, I'm not scared about the future even though I can't see a thing.

I'm thankful that our faith in God has grown over this last year. I feel calm knowing that He is there and that we will be taken care of and that I don't have to have all of the answers. I am in the dark, but just like my hand was there for Mason, His hand is there for me. I have felt guided since we left Oakland and I just keep praying for clear signs and a clear path to be placed in front of us so we know where to go.

The Way of the Future

Mason: "Mommy, is chocolate milk made from peanut butter?"

Me: "No honey. Why?"

Mason: "If chocolate milk is made from peanut butter then I can't have it at my school for lunch because someone would be allergic to it."

Night Night

I find it ironic that the other day one of my friends asked me about the no-cry-to-sleep method. Ironic because tonight as I was putting my two boys to bed I thought that perhaps Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair's character in the Exorcist) had come and replaced my sweet baby Miles when I wasn't looking.

At bedtime tonight I held Miles in his blanket, all 50 yards of blanket, and rocked him as he drifted off to sleep. He wasn't fully asleep however when I told him that I was going to put him in his crib because it was time for me to go lay down with Mason.

We do this back and forth thing in an effort to be "fair" to the two boys. Stay with one for a bit and then the other and hope that they'll both fall asleep before we need to embark on round 2 of the process. Tonight, he wasn't fully asleep when I put him down and when I lay my head on Mason's pillow to curl up with him for his turn, I swear Miles was gone and Linda Blair arrived.

It started out slow. The "my mommy, my mommy, sit chair, sit chair". It stayed there for a bit and I thought maybe he'll calm down. I sat up and looked at him and told him to lay back down and go to sleep. That I was with Mason for a little while.

"No!, No! my mommy, my mommy, sit chair, sit chair" was all he could say. Over and over and over.

I stayed there, behind the wall in the cove where Mason's bed is, realizing that Mason was passed out, thank GOODNESS!. I tried to stay as still as possible. Maybe, just maybe if I don't acknowledge him, he'll get tired of crying and go to bed. No such luck.

The "my mommy, my mommy, sit chair, sit chair" became so loud at one point that I listened to Mason breathing to make sure that he was still amongst the living. How could any living human being possibly sleep through this??!!

I tried one last stich effort to get him to fall asleep. I sat up and asked him to calm down, just caalllm down and go to sleep.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" more screaming. "NOOOOOOO MOMMY SIT CHAIR. MOMMMMMYYYYYYY SIT CHAIRRRRRRR. MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYY. SIT CHAIR!!!!!!"

I think if it had been summer time and the windows had been open the neighbors would have seriously called child services to see what ON EARTH I was doing to my child. I was honestly afraid to look because I thought perhaps his head would be spinning in circles on his little body and I was preparing myself for vomit to be splattering the walls.

I realized after the I think 2 minutes of this that I couldn't take anymore. It was me who had to break down. Thoughts of the no-cry-to-sleep-method darting through my brain and almost laughing at the insanity of what was happening I got up and went over to the crib. Now, here's where my heart melts into a big puddle for this little guy. I looked at him and told him in a calm and sweet voice that he was freaking out and mommy wasn't going to pick him up while he was freaking out. That he needed to calm down.

Right then and there, his little cheeks and lungs filled up with air so that he could take the deep breaths that we've taught him to do when he needs to calm down. I didn't even have to remind him to do it. That was it. All it took. Me asking him to stop and take a breath.

I picked him up, held him in his too large blanket and he fell asleep in my arms, in the chair. I don't think he could have been sucking any harder on his little thumb and I reassured him that everything was o.k. and that mommy was right there and that I loved him. Then I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for calming down when I asked.

After that episode what I know, is that I love my boys. They aren't going to want me to hold them in my arms forever. There will come a time when they'll go to sleep by themselves and their wonderful little kisses become hugs. I'm not ready for that. I love those little kisses and I love the fact that Miles feels safe enough to fall fast asleep in my arms.

And one last photo that I forgot to post about Valentine's Day. Can you tell that I truly love the day. A day to express love? This was the breakfast I made for Matt. It just brings a smile to my face every time I look at it. ;-) I'm a sucker for love, I see that but oh well. C'est La Vie!

Mom - Update no.2

I know there are a bunch of you out there wondering how my mom is doing and what's been happening over here. She's been living with us for just over a month now and here's the scoop.

38 days, sorting of 608 pills, 3 visits to the emergency room, a bone treatment and countless hours on the phone with insurance companies. Those are just a few of the highlights of the past month.

For the not so fun part of it....day after day we deal with medical insurance companies. I'm not sure how other people feel about this but I can officially say that if I never change health carriers for the rest of my life, that would be just fine. Not only do I detest taking care of this type of business for myself but now I detest having to do it for anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be rescuing my mother from the irritation being placed on hold AGAIN or transfered to another department AGAIN or being disconnected AGAIN can cause but, by rescuing her from having to be the one experiencing that intense frustration, I am the one who is now being placed on hold, transfered to another department or being disconnected.

There was a day a while back, it was the day I was in tears for most of the afternoon, that I was on the phone for over 5 hours with 17 different phone numbers in front of me from people I had been transferred and referred to. If that isn't absolute insanity I'm not sure what is! All mind you while having two boys home for the day and being slightly under the weather. That was the day I wouldn't have made it through if it weren't for the angel named Lisa who delivered a basket of love to my front door.

In all honesty I am not someone who keeps up with current events and I'm quite certain I would fail miserably on that show "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader," mom I do apologize for my ignorance. I am someone however who is determined and someone who knows what to say and who to say it to when dealing with companies such as Aetna and Pacificare. I do ask for supervisors, I do write all of the terms down that they inflict on me only to be hurled back at them later when they begin to make me feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about. And, through all of this, here's we are. It's February 17th and my mother STILL does not have insurance cards. Her new policy was supposed to be in effect February 1st and we notified them of her move and her condition the first week of January and we are still no farther along than we were over a month ago. I take that back. I did find out today that she was enrolled in a plan only to find out it was the wrong plan. Not even a health care plan, just a prescription plan. How useful and no there is no hint of sarcasm in THAT comment what so ever.

I do apologize for the digression into the world of mine and our country's health care system but it's been one of the main sources of conversation among our household.

For the more positive part of this experience.....she's doing really well. I wish I had a definitive account of how she's reacting to her treatment but we have to go another couple/three weeks before they can do the testing necessary to gauge that information. She seems to be doing quite well though and I think that living in a house with two small boys is doing nothing short of miracles. She wakes up in the morning, usually by Mason opening her door to see if she's awake, and has breakfast with the boys and helps to rally them with the morning routine of getting dressed and brushing teeth etc. She even went to the grocery store the other day and picked up dinner to help out.

We do have to figure out what's next as far as her cancer treatment though because it appears as if the hormone, Arimidex, she's on which is starving her body of estrogen and thus starving her body of cancer, is making her nauseous. They have her on an Antiemedic Cocktail which does wonders but I don't think they want her on that permanently. We'll wait for the next appointment to see what's next in terms of medication and treatment.

Overall, she's in good spirits. The transition from living alone in her own home and being solely responsible for herself and her daily activities to living in a room in my home has been difficult at times. I know that no matter how wonderful being her with the boys is, giving up a life that you've been living isn't easy. Matt and I are doing are best but sometimes your best doesn't matter because it's the inner thoughts and feelings that have to be battled and overcome.

I'm sure that we will continue on this roller coaster having good days and bad days I'm just trying to approach each curve and dip with grace and gratitude for what we have and the life that we're living.

My Lovely Valentine

As I wrote in my last post, I LOVE Valentine's Day. Luckily, although I know there was no luck about it, Matt loves it too. We decided to have a romantic dinner after putting the boys to bed and oh, it was lovely.

Our menu included oysters, mussels, crusty artisan bread to sop up all of the yummy mussel broth, some tasty Korean skirt steak and champagne with strawberries.

I came downstairs after staying with the boys for a bit to find candles lit and dinner being prepared. It was like slipping into a comfy pair of slippers to be in the kitchen cooking with Matt, making a nice romantic dinner for two. We do this every now and again and are always reminded of how nice it is as we do our dance between the counter and the stove.

We shucked the oysters and filled them with this easy but so delicious red wine vinegar, shallot and sugar dressing, cooked the mussles in an aromatic white wine, garlic, parsley and red pepper flake liquid and drank some champagne. Dinner was delicious and we had some time to just connect with each other not as mommy and daddy but as Matt and Laura.

We talked about business and life and all of the things that we don't have time to talk about in the midst of household chaos. After we ate we sat by the fire and had some more champagne. When I came back from clearing some dishes there was this sweet red box and card waiting for me. After the past years I could only hope I knew what was inside. Matt and I have a few things we do for each other that are somewhat repetitious yet new. What I mean by that is Matt gave me a heart shaped box our second Valentine's Day together married. In it was a key, the key to his heart. He has given me a new box and key to his heart each year with the exception of one. That was the year that he produced his cd and I can understand his not being able to get it together. Kind of like me this year.

The boxes have been similar but very different. They are all hearts yes and have keys inside but they are each different and significant to the year that they're gifted. This year was so sweet and loving and thoughtful I'm welling with tears as I write. He found a small heart box, something to be cradled delicately in your hands. He covered the outside with paper that had words all around. He described how the words were significant to him when he found it. Words like "love", "faith", "family", "trust", "peace" and "blessings". All words he felt have been significant to our relationship as of late. Inside he lined the bottom of the heart with moss. He wanted it to be filled with something living that represented life itself. Then the key. The key is delicate and sculpted from his hands. He made it to be different and unique and fragile. The coolest thing is that, are you ready?, it glows in the dark. He sculpted it out of glow in the dark clay that you bake to set. The key to his heart illuminates my way even when I can't see. Amazing, thoughtful and so heartfelt. Oh how I do love my husband.

I have to include one last element to my Valentine's Day. The gifts that the boys gave to me. Matt gave them each a small 5x5 canvas to paint. Mason's was a white canvas with red paint and Miles had the red canvas with white paint. They are so lovely and sweet I had to share. I can't wait to find a place in our home to hang them. They also gave Grandma and I glowing "pearls" that they molded with the glow-in-the-dark clay. They were beaming when we turned out the lights and their little faces and kisses melted my heart. Basically my heart was a big puddle by the end of the night. I'm sure the champagne didn't have a thing to do with that but seriously this is why I love this holiday. When else do we take a moment and stop to appreciate one another. To tell our lover how we feel about them, why we're in love with them and to express it without letting those crazy elements of life get in the way.

Sitting with Matt for a few hours uninterrupted was a gift all it's own. Talking, laughing, sharing who we are at this moment in time. Different from who we were when we first met but even more in love with each other now than ever. The words of his card sum it all up:

"On this Valentine's Day we celebrate and honor our love for each other. Love is what binds us together during this difficult time in our lives. When we are feeling the overwhelming pressures of life, we both lean on the love that we have for each other. When we have joys and achievements we celebrate our love together. Whether it's a harship or happiness, love surrounds us both. I find it ironic and amazing that during this tough, testy period in our life, I am more in love with you than ever before!".

My Valentine

Today is a day for lovers to express their love for each other. Some create a note or a crafted card that illustrates the feelings that overwhelm them at times. You and I have embraced this holiday. Not the generic "Hallmark" event that is ever present wherever you turn, but our own way of expressing how deep our love flows.

Over the years the exchange has varied. Hand made art, photographs in a heart shaped box, a book of love and more. This year, with everything going on, I haven't found the time to make you a gift. My heart is pained by the thought that I'm skipping a year. I've only skipped one other in our 8 valentine's we've shared. And here in our 9th year, I must skip again.

But, in an effort to do what I do have time for, to take some time from my work, my family, my life, I write this to you to share my love.

Never has my heart beat so fast, never have my tears flowed so hard, never has my breath been stolen and never has my love been so deep. You have captured a part of me I didn't know existed. A part that was only discovered after the hard and angry parts were chiseled away. They were gently brushed aside by your loving hands to reveal a soft glowing jewel that is the core of who I am today.

You and I have created an amazing life, that together we share with our two wonderful boys. I hope you enjoy seeing these photographs of you and I over the years. From our first meeting, you a young man exploring the world, me a young woman, Starfire, exploring herself.

Our lives came together on the streets of the desert of Burning Man and have been intertwined in a love story that captures my heart each day ever since.

I love you.

Will you be my Valentine?

Addison

One of my closest friends, Christine, gave birth 5 weeks ago. I posted a few photographs that I took of her in her final weeks of pregnancy not long ago. She's married to Matt's music partner Brian and I'm not sure if two people could be more perfect for each other. They even kind of look similar. It's the dark hair Italian thing I know, but it's pretty cute.

Addison, their new addition, is absolutely adorable. He was in complete baby form when they were over. Cooing and making those little infant sounds that make you squish your shoulders up to your ears, wiggle your body and make the same sounds right back.

It was a short visit and gray and drizzly outside so there wasn't a ton of opportunities for photographing the little muffin, but we have a beautiful spot in our great room where all you have to do is stand or sit near the sliding glass doors and shoot away. The love between Christine and Addison in that light was a gift to see and to photograph. I loved capturing her just in awe of him. Looking at his little face and touching his skin. To see Addison's little hand inside of Brian's. So precious.

I hope that I can have some time with them again. With all of four of them. (Her daughter Cypress was busy playing with Mason so I'm thinking a scheduled shoot of the family is next on the agenda.) For now, I'm happy to have captured this moment in time.

He'll only be 5 weeks old once! And here he is.....Addison.

Traditional And Modern Are Wed

Sometimes you meet a couple that needs more than a traditional matted album but isn't quite the right fit for a modern magazine style book. Leather Craftsmen has a solution. Their 700, 7500, 800 and 8500 series albums combine these two styles beautifully.

When building an album like this you have your prints made from the lab of your choice and send them to L/C to be bound. I'm in the process of building a 700 series album for a couple in Ireland. Matt and Garrett shot their wedding and the images were just stunning. GB sent thier images to Dickerman Prints after doing their post production work to perfect the images. What they deliver to a client is so beyond what most people do. Matt and Garrett truly go about their work with an incredible level of care and want only to deliver the best quality to the people they work with.

For me, the most exciting part of building this album so far was seeing the sheets of prints that arrived at the end of last week. Matt brought them home over the weekend for me to see. I was so excited by the pages. Matt had ganged the photographs to be printed on large 18 x 30 sheets and when he unrolled them I think I actually gasped. It was so cool to see the images so large and beautiful. I immediately emailed the bride and groom to let them know what we were looking at. I can't wait to turn these prints over to Leather Craftsmen to be bound into the album.

As luck would have it, Ira the CA rep for L/C was in town today and met with us at Matt and Garrett's new space in San Rafael, which is amazing by the way, and brought a bunch of albums to show. Raised in Brooklyn, and for me that's an ace in the hole because that's where my father was from, I feel right at home with his thick NY accent. But, and here's the best part about Ira, he's the sweetest and most considerate New Yorker I've ever met. Some from NY might not take that as a compliment but I'm pretty sure it will make Ira smile.

A few of the albums he showed us were from these new series of books. The blend of traditional matts and modern magazine is just stunning. I can't wait to see the finished product and will be sure to share photographs of the book as soon as I can.

I feel so fortunate to be doing something I love. It felt like a long road to get here, one that seemed windy and full of hair pin turns. I didn't know if I would ever find something that excited me on a daily basis but finding this, designing albums for wonderful people, has given me a new outlook on the world and on business.